I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
