Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
