i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
