I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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