You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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