the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
His nipple licking is glorious
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