Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
