apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
