you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
