I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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