I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
