I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
