in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
