Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
