I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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