I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
