gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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