She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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