Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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