Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
