Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
