If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
