My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
