my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And then he peed in my hair
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