So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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