what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
