Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
