Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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