Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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