My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
