I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
