he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Mom said you looked used
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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