You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
