it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
