i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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