Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize