your parents love me but you hate me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
