my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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