For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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