Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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