please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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