I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
