i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
