everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
