So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
