so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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