If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
