I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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