White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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