We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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