It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
