if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
