Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
