I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
