Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize