I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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