Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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