he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
