I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
