i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
