We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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