Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
