Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
