I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
