How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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